awakening

slow down

slow down.

slow down.

derek listen to your breathing. your heart is pumping out of your chest. did you just run a race? why are you in such a craze? did something happen?

no i just woke up. i woke up wondering. i woke up inspired to write but uncertain where to begin. 

ok, let's get to a place where you can really enjoy the process of writing. we want to make it easy and fun for you.

take a moment (a beautiful moment) and close your eyes. soft and sweet. a kiss of life caresses your spirit. 

start to focus on your breathing

in and out,

in and out. 

breathe for a moment longer before continuing

do not go any further

are you still reading and not breathing?

why is it that the eye continues down the page without actively participating in this simple and important exercise? and why is the mind is still engaged in critical analysis?

my own mind wants more, it doesn't want to slow down. it doesn't want to take the time to pay attention. it is strictly focused on outcome. it wants achievements. it wants satisfaction from others. it wants, it wants, it wants. and it wants it NOW.

but what then?

slow down your breathing. reflect. listen.

a (great big) smile interrupts my pattern of breathing. i was just about to get silent too.

you are a creature of habit. you crave attention. you desire significance and importance from others. by doing more, you feel you are entitled to "their" approval. you even go so far as to rate how you feel based on your ability to do things. 

you could not be farther from the truth.

remember you are a human being. you are not a human doing. rejoice in your beingness. suspend your need to do anything in order to feel good.

happiness is not a result of more doing.

happiness is a choice. 

jumping back in

have you ever started something and never wanted it to end? 

have you ever tried to make the most of something but struggled to find the joy in it?

would you like to be more, do more, make a difference?

questions about worth and competency stroll their idyllic heads in trying to make haste. trying to stir up emotion. it's okay. i accept whatever needs to be presented to me today. 

others are pouncing on me. announcements becoming verdicts. what is right? what is good? you need to do this. why are you doing that? who are you anyway?

questions, questions, questions. will they ever let up! 

there is an aching feeling. a feeling inside me that won't go away. no matter how hard i try to let go. it may be days, months or even years later, but it comes back. i used to berate myself constantly for feeling this shame. i didn't know how to cope with it. it's really a strange feeling. a feeling like you are useless. you are a nobody. like what you do does not matter. i would drink myself to sleep at night. i know i've shared this about me before. i know i repeat myself. but it's helping. i'm releasing some kind of self-imposed conditioning that says i cannot be doing what i love. but what is it that i love? 

I feel this ache and let it air out. it needs to breathe.

tell the story of your life the way you see it. everything happens for a reason. don't you believe this? you talk about it all the time? 

and why are you just now coming back to write? where have you been? what do you really think will come of this writing anyway? 

freedom. love. abundance. joy. 

i needed a break, okay. i had some things on my mind, and i was not in a place to share them. i had other things to do. wait, i don't need to defend myself any longer. ego you are getting dropped at the curb. your days are outnumbered. i've recognized your face and its time to let my own beauty shine. 

its time to truly believe i can be me. without drugs. without alcohol. without any other addictive forces. forces trying to ease the pain of transition. forces pushing their way to make me do things i really don't want to do. i've done things to be nice. i've done things to be kind. 

maybe its time to let go of caring so much. 

struggle, perfectionism, doubt.

i guess those are the three things holding me back. its time to make a change. to let go and let the universe handle the details. 

you are healthy, whole and complete. you are a divine being. you were sent here to inspire. stop trying so damn hard. just be yourself. people want to know the real you. not the you that is created out of fear of disapproval. what kind of way to live is that? trust yourself. love yourself.

who cares what others think!

listen to your heart. you already know what you need to do. 

on choosing forgiveness

wow, again, and so fast!

it's strange for me to say this, but i feel honored to have just experienced back to back reactions that triggered my limiting beliefs. progress in full force. i am making this happen.

almost immediately after my recovery from my last near immobilization, another fear surfaces with the communication of a loved one.

my mind is enthralled, jealously builds, and guilt forms inside my body. how the simple words of someone else's ascension into living their purpose and resigning from their 9-5 job provokes my mind to belittle me. my mind yells to my sensitive ears, you are not worthy, you are not good enough, you are afraid, you will never do it.

he continues to send tormenting phrases at me, they can do it but you can't.

my soul helps me turn down the volume of my mind. she reminds me, only you can let the feelings of others affect you. when you let yourself be controlled by them, you give up your power. know that you are exactly where you need to be. you are in the right place at the right time pursuing your highest purpose for the greater good. be well and affirm, i accept my past as conditioning for my future and i choose to live in harmony with my own magnificence.

my awareness during this bout surfaced much faster. and as it awakened, it erased all doubt from my mind. 

i choose to forgive myself. i choose forgiveness in the face of jealousy.

an opportunity in disguise

it may have taken me a couple of months to figure out. i was confused. but i knew i must be patient. with all the books on self-help that i've read over the years, i knew the answers lie within me. i know i am in the right place at the right time. i know there is always something i need to be learning.

i recently moved into an apartment with my fiance and now, my drive to my engineering job has tripled. i'm commuting 55 miles each way to sit behind a desk, to push paperwork and wait for the clock to tick. when the hour hand lands on 4, i'm out the door, thankful for another day i can check off in the books.

but this approach to life is demoralizing for me. and for some odd reason, it makes me angry and unhappy. i know so many people who would love to hold this position. but if i'm not happy, not excited for life, where is the passion in that! and then to sit in a box for over 2 hours each day driving to yet another box - it takes a toll on me!

but i knew there must be a lesson hiding in the midst. and finally it hit me.

i realized i was not utilizing my time effectively. in order for me to stay sane, i knew i needed to educate myself. i can gain over 2 hours each day to improving my life. this simple awakening is a blessing. i could have been studying 2 hours each day prior to the drive, but i wasn't. i found better things to be doing. i found life was easy. why change when something is easy.

so yes, i look forward to my commute where i can learn and grow with each day. before i dreaded driving that long. i was angry for having to be stuck driving what felt like all day. the trick is when you are not happy with certain aspects in your life, do something about it. take action in that very moment where you feel the anger. know there is a purpose for everything that happens. know that with each wall there is a door or window to go through. find the path and stay focused.

Please leave a comment below and tell me about an opportunity you took advantage of...