beginning stages

the beginning stages of healing reveals my fears

i can't believe i'm sharing this with you. i'm afraid to admit my fears even to myself, but i know deep down this is what i must do in order to heal. i must release all fear. 

i cried tonight.

it happened so quickly. it was out of the blue. it caught me off guard.

i noticed my body wanting to revert back to old ways. my body and my mind wanted to shrivel up and hide. my mind screamed inside my head. it hurt and scared me.

my mind wanted me to feel guilty. he wanted me to become immobilized. he wanted to show me he was in control whenever i am faced with a conflict with a loved one.

my mind switched back to old patterns instantly igniting my defensive actions. he started firing alerts out to all parts of my body, all cylinders went into overdrive, my voice loudened and quickened, my heart pounded against my chest cavity, my hands shook rapidly, i was losing control.

my soul whispered in my ear, quick, before you let you mind win, you have the power to change. you can change your thoughts. you can change your beliefs.

i don't want to live in fear anymore. i want to express the love that is me. i want to express my soul. i don't need the approval of others. it is safe for me to be me. 

the tears streamed down my face as i recognized the pattern within me starting again.

no. i am willing to change. i must change. and this is my opportunity to begin. 

a smile formed from my mouth as my body continued to shake. chills ran throughout me as my mind tried desperately to win by controlling my bodily actions. 

my awareness of this sensation swiftly dissolves the "uncontrollable" movements.  

crazy how much healing is happening.

this healing of myself really knows how to stir up some deeply rooted emotions inside me. it stirs up what i really need to work on - what i need healing for.

thank you for showing me the resistance that is still within me. thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow.

i breathe deep. i take a series of deep, slow, long breaths. i let my head, forehead and my face go heavy. i drop my shoulders and relax my abdomen. i allow my legs and feet to sink into the chair.

i release all tension. i release all anger. i release all fear. i release all sadness.

i am willing to let go. i am willing to change. i am safe and all is well.