fear

paint the message inside me

i am willing to release my fears. i am accepting the success that comes to me easily and quickly. i no longer need to live in guilt that others will be jealous of me when i am successful. that is something you created for yourself. no one imposed that belief on you.

i start a canvas this morning but am stopped before i can add any paint. the urge within me was a definite no! 

what is this? and why is it so forceful? and aren't i meant to let art out?

you were attempting to recreate an image because that is what you have done in the past. it is time for you to graduate onward. your next journey is to the big canvas. i mean BIG canvas. life-size. 

jump right into it. that is where your truest expressions are born. 

break past your fears of not knowing what to paint. you know exactly what to do. you must go within, you must access the depths of your soul. inspiration comes when you are in spirit. 

go for a walk, get outside, exercise, do yoga, meditate but do not force a creation that does not feel good to you.

maybe i'll read and write.

getting away from the canvas, i'm hungry. i indulge in a leftover meal of vegetable barley soup. 

create from that deepest place within you. let the magic spontaneously erupt onto canvas. trust. believe. have faith.

i am here to guide you derek, you are safe, all is well. i interrupted your pattern of thought earlier today. i interrupted you because you have been wanting more guidance. here it is. 

go bigger. go bolder. go from within.

your collectors come to you by the thousands. they want this channeled emotion. this bottled up energy inside you. it is alive with life energy. it energizes all who come into contact with it. it brings happiness and joy. it speaks volumes of the soul.

each of your paintings have meaning within them. they are more than just color. there is a message inside each and every one of them. paint that message.

this is what your collectors are looking for now.

on becoming my own captain

i'm studying ways to grow, to improve my life, to be happy in every moment. i'm reading and applying the wisdom of the masters that came before me. our history is full of brave souls who have not feared the wrath of others. individuals who have dreams of bigger and brighter futures. they did not sit on the sidelines and let life happen to them. they went out there and played their own music - the music their souls were singing.

and i'm with them on this one! but how?

i make my way up the stairs after a full day at my 9-5. where does this energy come from to pursue my dreams? for so long now, i've used the excuse, I'm tired. and this excuse spirals into i've had a long day and all i want to do is just relax, eat some dinner, watch tv and go to bed.  

my soul - closer to me now, reminds me, it all begins with awareness. when you can admit that you are using an excuse to guide your life, you unlock the first door to your awakening. 

the moment you bring your awareness to this present moment, you see deeper than the outer layer. you discover what is really driving your soul.

I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
— Invictus by William Ernest Henley

television has been a way for me in my past to hide from my true being. i could surrender to the television every night, with a drink in hand and wash away the miseries of the day. i couldn't stand this life support that lay victim to. it is so engrained in us to veg out in front of the television every night for hours at end - just to go to bed and do it again?!?!

i know i've been victim to this epidemic for a long time.

as i learn who i am and what works for me, i notice it is a place where i can shelter myself. i can protect myself. i can stay the same.

when i stare at the box, i watch other people interact and grow. it saves me from having to do the hard work myself. i put my life on a permanent cycle of defeat and boredom.

but why do it any longer? what is the true meaning of life?

if i were to die tomorrow, the last thing on my bucket list is to sit at home and watch television. i am all about becoming the best i can be. i love who i am.

yes there are times, when i criticize my body, i scold myself, i tell myself hateful things, but I'm going beyond those times. it is time for me to change. it is time for me to be me.

i have an entire bucket list - well in my head right now, maybe today i'll write it down. 

because what if tomorrow truly is my last day here on this earth. nobody knows for certain how long they are going to live. nobody knows when that day is. and nobody needs to know. but what i want to know is that i lived my life to the fullest each and every day doing what i love.

i am a genius and i apply my wisdom everyday. i use this affirmation every day the moment i wake up in the early morning hours. the magnificence that i know is me makes me smile.

my paintings are expressions of my soul. they are a time when i connect to my own inner magnificence and share that inspiration with you.

i have collectors from all over the world. i'm honored to be the artist they have chosen to create masterpieces. i put my heart, i put in my soul into every piece of work i produce. 

more and more collectors are coming to me from out of the woodwork. they offer me projects that align with my purpose. i love the synchronicity of life. i love asking for guidance. 

she answers me every time without fail, such a beautiful being of compassion. your patience has paid off. you no longer need to live in fear. you can let go of your insecurities. you are safe. you have all the money you need to live the life you dream. you are financially free. 

on choosing forgiveness

wow, again, and so fast!

it's strange for me to say this, but i feel honored to have just experienced back to back reactions that triggered my limiting beliefs. progress in full force. i am making this happen.

almost immediately after my recovery from my last near immobilization, another fear surfaces with the communication of a loved one.

my mind is enthralled, jealously builds, and guilt forms inside my body. how the simple words of someone else's ascension into living their purpose and resigning from their 9-5 job provokes my mind to belittle me. my mind yells to my sensitive ears, you are not worthy, you are not good enough, you are afraid, you will never do it.

he continues to send tormenting phrases at me, they can do it but you can't.

my soul helps me turn down the volume of my mind. she reminds me, only you can let the feelings of others affect you. when you let yourself be controlled by them, you give up your power. know that you are exactly where you need to be. you are in the right place at the right time pursuing your highest purpose for the greater good. be well and affirm, i accept my past as conditioning for my future and i choose to live in harmony with my own magnificence.

my awareness during this bout surfaced much faster. and as it awakened, it erased all doubt from my mind. 

i choose to forgive myself. i choose forgiveness in the face of jealousy.

the beginning stages of healing reveals my fears

i can't believe i'm sharing this with you. i'm afraid to admit my fears even to myself, but i know deep down this is what i must do in order to heal. i must release all fear. 

i cried tonight.

it happened so quickly. it was out of the blue. it caught me off guard.

i noticed my body wanting to revert back to old ways. my body and my mind wanted to shrivel up and hide. my mind screamed inside my head. it hurt and scared me.

my mind wanted me to feel guilty. he wanted me to become immobilized. he wanted to show me he was in control whenever i am faced with a conflict with a loved one.

my mind switched back to old patterns instantly igniting my defensive actions. he started firing alerts out to all parts of my body, all cylinders went into overdrive, my voice loudened and quickened, my heart pounded against my chest cavity, my hands shook rapidly, i was losing control.

my soul whispered in my ear, quick, before you let you mind win, you have the power to change. you can change your thoughts. you can change your beliefs.

i don't want to live in fear anymore. i want to express the love that is me. i want to express my soul. i don't need the approval of others. it is safe for me to be me. 

the tears streamed down my face as i recognized the pattern within me starting again.

no. i am willing to change. i must change. and this is my opportunity to begin. 

a smile formed from my mouth as my body continued to shake. chills ran throughout me as my mind tried desperately to win by controlling my bodily actions. 

my awareness of this sensation swiftly dissolves the "uncontrollable" movements.  

crazy how much healing is happening.

this healing of myself really knows how to stir up some deeply rooted emotions inside me. it stirs up what i really need to work on - what i need healing for.

thank you for showing me the resistance that is still within me. thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow.

i breathe deep. i take a series of deep, slow, long breaths. i let my head, forehead and my face go heavy. i drop my shoulders and relax my abdomen. i allow my legs and feet to sink into the chair.

i release all tension. i release all anger. i release all fear. i release all sadness.

i am willing to let go. i am willing to change. i am safe and all is well.

it's a no, until you ask!

for a long time, i lived in fear. i was afraid. i was afraid to be wrong.

i was scared to hear someone say no to me.

i know, such a simple 2 letter word.

but honestly, it ate away at me.

& not knowing what to do, i let it get to me.

i let hearing that one syllable word control me.

my mind would race with confusion. my head would pound.

it was awful.

but one day after hearing the word no, i understood

i could use that two letter word as motivation + inspiration 

the word didn't need to stop me

& it wouldn't.

 
here i am appreciating the beauty of the napali coast of kauai in her fullest wonder because i stopped being afraid of hearing no 

here i am appreciating the beauty of the napali coast of kauai in her fullest wonder because i stopped being afraid of hearing no 

 

why put life on hold?

why wait?

why live the same way day after day?

and if i didn't ask, the answer is pretty simple, no.

so if the answer is a no if you don't do anything, i realized if i did something there was the possibility that it might be a yes.

why wait any longer delaying my potential?

a no is only a no until i turn it into a yes

ask and be surprised

got feedback? i'd love to know...how, specifically, have you handled being told no? how did you respond to turn that no into a yes? what worked and what didn't? 

share your ideas and stories below

with love

Derek Russell
 

my decision to choose abundance

3.5 years ago, i was ready

i was fighting bouts of depression. i felt lost. & i was scared.

i didn't want to admit anything was wrong with me. i'd try to remain cool, but deep down i knew my body was giving off an energy that said...i was sad.

it's always been hard for me to admit. i like to be happy. that's just who i am. 

but the more i pushed, the more life pushed back. and the faller away from myself i felt.

but i'm learning. i'm recognizing the opportunity i have to grow

and i'm trying hard to come clean with myself about my fears that have so dominated my life. 

fears that have been built up inside me for years. fears that i want to release because they no longer serve me

fears of rejection, embarrassment, + failure.

i was lonely.

and it felt like i was living a lie. i was working 70-80 hour weeks in construction with little or no time for myself. no time to relax. no time to play. and no time to create.

i didn't have a personal life. my job turned into my life. how horrible?

i was always the one that would rather go on an adventure, have more play in my life than work more hours for the same pay.

and so i'd criticize myself? i'd get mad at my life. and it would affect my relationships. especially my relationship with myself.

there was always an inner battle going on inside my head. i couldn't escape it! it terrorized me.

i was insecure. and these thoughts quickly consumed me. 

and when i finally stepped back after talking with my mom on a walk one afternoon, i understood what i was unconsciously doing to myself wasn't healthy. 

in fact it left me feeling depleted, lost, and hopeless.

i saw myself faced with a decision. 

i could either continue living like i was or rediscover myself.

clearly i wanted out but to do that i needed to accept my life.

i needed to appreciate myself. i needed to feel grateful for all the lessons my life was teaching me. i needed to go within for guidance.

and by making this conscious decision with myself i turned onto the road of abundance.

i accepted any mistakes i made. i realized i don't need to be perfect. besides it's way too much work and hassle.

and when i let go of the need to be perfect, i freed my soul!

i felt alive for the first time in years! 

 
enjoying my day in the mountains of vermont with my family

enjoying my day in the mountains of vermont with my family

 

it was incredible to feel this way. the joy, the passion, the love of life. everything seemed so beautiful. everything around me smiled back. my life filled with happiness.

i felt like me!

and that's when i started to create again. 

i felt connected.

the inspiration poured out of me. ideas flowed. opportunities started falling into my lap.

i love being me!

in the comments below I want to know-

have you ever had a fear of failure and overcome it? what exactly did you do?

what subconscious beliefs do you think may be getting in the way of your success and how can this process help you right now?

as always, thank you for reading and contributing. i’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say on this topic as it’s a really important one!

love

 

letting the voices come out

i couldn't sleep last night. my head was pounding. and it wouldn't quit! and then all i heard were voices. get up. write. this is your time. we are here with you. ok that's kinda freaky, but i'm totally down! i can feel this shift in my body

let go...let go of the fear within you! let it float away. it no longer serves you. you do not need it. you feel ease. an entire weight has been removed from your body.

this is the first time i am writing about these voices i'm hearing. i can sense the voices waking me up. my body says i'm tired but my heart says keep writing. why would i do this? what is it? something is getting released. my fear.

an engineer by training, i'm not satisfied with that path. i do not feel fulfilled. why waste an entire life living the "shoulds" and "supposed to" rules? who made these rules anyway? i'm sick of following everyone else's rules that only help them! listen to us. we will guide you.

let go of the fear and ego. their battle will never end until you let it

over the years i've become attached to this fear and ego driven banter that i now recognize echoing away in my mind. i'm scared of being wrong. i'm afraid of failure. i am pursuing my dreams. i am a creative! i am soulful! i am abundant!

the truth will set you free.

 

 

taking a stand

ever have that feeling deep within you that you ought to be doing something else? do you ever question what you are doing with your life? for years now, i've been struggling. i feel like i've been living a lie for the past 11 years of my life. and i'm only 29!

i'm confused. i'm afraid of something. and i want to get to the bottom of it. 

today was a rough day. we had to put down my most precious, loyal and happy friend i've loved for the past 15 years. tori has been by my side through thick and thin and always reminded me of the joy in life. the beauty of an afternoon walk. and the excitement of our game of football. her strength is with me now.

and now is my time to unleash my power