making decisions

on making decisions

i'm strengthening my muscles. not just my physical muscles but my muscles to take risks, my muscles to make decisions, my muscles to learn.

for as long as i can remember, i've refused to be wrong. it just wasn't an option for me. i had to be right no matter what it was.

and it is this rigid refusal to never be wrong that launched me down a path i unconsciously chose for myself.

over the years, i've experienced physical pain in many ways.

just 2 years ago, a week before my sister's destination wedding, i was lifting an axel with tires over my head. i was outside on pavement. i was with a strongman competitor - imagine a really big guy and then triple that size. 

i wanted his approval, so i pushed myself beyond my bodies physical limits. i blacked out and fell straight backwards to the ground. My head smashing the pavement.

coming to, i slowly remembered where i was. when i got to the emergency care facility, i cried. i cried because i couldn't focus. i cried because i couldn't read the forms. i slumped down in the chair. tears filled my eyes. fear crept over me. what have i done to myself. i didn't even want to be doing this workout. i was only doing it to fit it. 

my immediate reaction was to get mad at myself. 

i was given a second chance that day, and i vowed to never do that workout again.

and time would pass.

until i got injured again. this time a hamstring injury.

i couldn't deal with it. it ate at me. i buried myself in the pain. 

next a knee injury.

more feeling sorry for myself. more guilt. more pain.

until i most recently have been experiencing an elbow injury. 

my soul is channeled. you are being given gifts. can you see them?

how are you going to pick yourself up after you fail? how are you learning from each of your experiences? how you decide to live consciously from this moment on is what makes your present and future. decide to stop feeling sorry for yourself. decide to stop believing you only get attention when you are injured. these beliefs are part of your past. you do not need to carry them with you any longer..

too often you go with the flow because it is the easiest thing to do. you go with the current, with the masses. but what happens when the current picks up and you are presented with a fork in the river? do you have a game plan for where you want to be in your life or are you just flailing at this point? are you scrambling to get to the shore, hoping to dodge the rocks? or are you oblivious to the choice you had? are you aware of the decisions you are making in this moment?

i'm proud to be back on my ship. i've got my map out and i'm looking down the river. i'm open to the expected and unexpected routes to take me where i'm looking to go. no longer are my past conditions going to leave me stuck in the mud, unable to move. i'm taking absolute control over my life.

i am flexible and flowing.

i easily move with new experiences, new directions and new changes.