what is it inside me that causes me to force my life? why do i feel i must have something a certain way in order to feel happy? why do i feel the need to always be right?
it's a constant nagging feeling when it comes to me. and i don't like it.
growing up a perfectionist, i thought being right was the only way. i thought being right would give me the life i want. i thought being right would give me the approval from others i so craved.
i thought, i thought, i thought.
and my thoughts that i continued to think over and over again became true for me. i was living a certain way based on the thoughts i knew.
for the longest time, i've been yearning for change. i've been wanting something different. so i did what i do best - i forced myself to run with blinders on. it was my way or no way.
but as i heal, i notice the questions i have been asking have been giving me the answers. i've been asking for guidance and ignoring the signals.
life has been answering ever since i started asking, i just haven't been paying attention. instead because i don't have what i want right now, i get mad. i get frustrated. i get filled with anger. it got to the point where i didn't care anymore. i did not feel. and i crumbled. my body started to fall apart. injury after injury plagued me. i'm still experiencing this pain in my left elbow and knee but am finally saying thank you, thank you for waking me up. thank you for sending me this awareness to grow.
i'm noticing more and more as i begin to heal.
and wouldn't you know, situations begin presenting themselves to me immediately. instantly engaged in conflict, my mind prepares to fight. the gloves are already on the floor. my mind racing, my intensity level rising.
i want to be right. why is it that the other person just doesn't get it? but my soul quietly guides me. i have a choice to make.
yes i could fight back and win. i could easily prove someone else wrong. but ultimately what am i looking for. what do i want in life?
would i rather be right and miserable the rest of my life or happy?
yes, i can succeed when i fight back but why work harder at doing something that doesn't come naturally to me. why push the emotions that nag at me aside? why continue to get mad at myself? why let someone else's behavior, words, and actions control me? is that really the true sign of success? or is it just a false belief that because someone else is wrong that it automatically makes me right? and because it makes me right, does that make me successful?
no, that logic is all wrong.
let go, my soul communicates. free yourself from the shackles that have held you down for so long. go within and feel the point of power you have in being in each of your present moments. realize you hold the key to unlocking these shackles.
too often you fight and alienate yourself from others. you get into a frenzy that is not you. you feel someone else is to blame. you feel someone else has caused you to feel this way. you feel it must be them that you need to please before you can be free.
that couldn't be farther from the truth. when you experience the joy that is deep within you, when you let go, when you sit quietly, you will know you are the gate keeper of your freedom, of your laughter, of all your successes.
but you must be willing and open to change. you must want to change.
and when you are ready, opportunities come. they surround you. they dance with you. they laugh with you.
life gives you more of what you give life. when you offer unconditional love, love answers no matter what. so smile, laugh and giggle at the simplicity of that statement and explore your creativity as you are guided to do.
i wonder where my soul comes up with this stuff, but let go of that need to understand.
the choice is simple for me now, i choose happiness.